Date: 10-04-1994
Venue: Metropol
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
one of the things i like best about courtney (already on a first name basis, we’ve never even met!) is that i don’t know quite what to make of her. i saw hole play last tuesday and i guess what i came away with was less idol worship and more empathy. i think that’s totally amazing, the ultimate goal of art. i’m wondering how she did it. she seemed so fucking cool up there, one foot up on a monitor, alternating between looking at her guitar and looking up, above the crowd, where no one could stare into her eyes. she sang her songs, and that alone gave her face a lot of expression, but there was nothing really unique there. really, some of her stage manner is just total classic rock and roll star — *male* rock and roll star. it’s really cool, reserved and righteous, like someone else said, keith fucking richards, you know. but then she’d speak between songs. her speaking voice is not the same as her gritty, bravado-drenched singing voice. when she speaks, even saying something crude or harsh or hateful, she sounds like the girl in the picture on the back of live through this. she sounds young, hopeful, a little scared. other times, like when she jumps into the crowd, she’s completely silent, eyes wide wide open, huge, head cocked a little, like a twisted mannequin. it’s freaky, spooky. she clasped my hand and arm the other night at the show when security was trying to drag her back up on stage, and she fixed that vacant, empty look straight on me. was she trying to say, don’t let me go? was she trying to say, let me go? was she trying to say, help me? i know she was trying to say something. i just couldn’t figure out what. maybe she couldn’t either. i held on for a while, and when i let go she gave me this wry little smile, like the smile i give my friends when i’m thinking something naughty. she’s so fucking funny, so smart, so fast. either that or she’s the most evil poseur alive. honestly, i think she’s both, and i think that she is *beautiful*. there’s also the way that she totally walks that i-fucking-hate-you/ i-need-you-to-survive messiah/crowd vibe line. she sings about how she is doll parts and then throws dolls into the audience like communion, this is my body, eat it up you bastards, take everything i want you to, hating whoever catches the dolls for being crazed & happy about it, and at the same time needing to leave a trail of dolls behind her, wherever she goes, in her wake. in pittsburgh, she loathed us throughout the entire show. she fucking hated us. from reading other reviews on this group it seems like that’s not always the case. it seems like she has fun other times and places. for the record, she appeared to have no fun here. she was mostly courtney anti-joy, and you’re right, who can blame her if she is? but then why is she doing it? really? i mean, why go around the country fucking miserable and so full of loathing that you want to die? would she do it to punish herself? am i just reading way too much into a stage act? how much of it is an act? and a part of me really despises myself for asking questions like that, because i feel like it’s not fair, that we should just fucking leave her alone. but then, god, i remember that look. she *wants* people to see that look, she *wants* people to think about her, on some level, i really think she does. otherwise, why would she even bother? and i am not a dumb groupie grrrl or anything, and still, i find my mind wandering back and back to her. what could it be? is it possible that she’s really everything she is, as amazing as she is? that’s my only question. this is my courtney fascination. she just doesn’t seem like she could be for real, but, i want her to be real *so* bad. and she is. i mean, she’s tired and has had a lot to deal with over the past couple years and you can tell. but why does she keep going on tour if she’s miserable. maybe it was just pittsburgh…
she defies digestion. that is by far the best thing about her. she refuses to be impaled on a pin in a museum the way the vast vast majority of other artists are, male *or* female, the way her husband was. and she is a really great artist. hole’s records capture something singular, something you can’t break down into parts.
am i the most psychotic person alive except for mary lou lord?
The original review is here.